Big Shot's Haven

Greetings True Believers,

Here I sit, listening to the ever-sexy-sounds of the Deftones, and I'm thinking about sex.

See, I found out recently, that two friends of mine, who met thru me, and hardly know each other, slept together a few months back. Now, I'm not judging either of them here, it's just where my frame of mind is coming from. I was a little surprised mind you, but at the same time, I felt like I shouldn't have been. I mean, neither of them are strangers to casual sex. (Note: I am in no way putting either person down, or implying they are whore-ish, not that you neccessarily thought that, just covering my own ass I suppose) It just got me thinking, I mean, pretty much the general consensus of society is "Yay casual sex" yet here I am, twenty-six years old, and I've slept with only two different women. Both of which were my respective girlfriend at the time. Now, I'm not trying to be negative or say "what's wrong with me?" Hell, I know there's nothing wrong with me when it comes to that. I just get frustrated because my feelings tend to get in the way a lot.

Plain and simple, I'm not sure if I could do the casual sex thing. I mean, I never have so how am I to know? And pretty much every friend I have has done the casual sex dealie, so why not me? Why? WHY? Because I care too much, that's why. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I fall too easily with some girls.

I guess it's just frustrating because it's been two years since my last relationship, thus, it's been two years since the last time I took a spin between the sheets. So, I don't see me getting a girlfriend any time soon, mostly due to my lack of patience. Therefore, if I stay the same course I'm on, I won't get laid any time soon either. And that just plain sucks. So, the question is, where do I go from here?

Ugh, this entry sounded so much better in my mind. It's become more chaotic and just a rant, which wasn't my original vision. I just don't know why I can't look at sex and see, sex. I wind up seeing the whole relationship and everything. Like, I've fooled around with girls, but then afterwards, I get rather 'boyfriendy' meaning, I'm kinda clingy and want to be around the person, and occassionally "Hun" or "Sweety" or "Babe" comes out. Those are usually typical "girlfriend names" tho. So that's the stem of my problem. I just want to care too much. I want the relationship. I try to see more than what's right in front of me.

I just want to be able to sleep with a girl, and not wind up hurt if she meets another guy.

As some of you may know if you've read the other comments from my last post, my friend Sarah gave me a challenge to write down a list of things I like abaout myself. And yes, I intentionally used the word "challenge".

The old saying goes, "No one will love you if you don't love yourself first". Well, that's BS, cause people like me.......But, I seem to be having trouble with this list. I get told by some that I need to change things, like hairstyle, wardrobe, etc. Which leads me to question my attractiveness as is. So, I don't know if I like how I look. I like that I'm nice to people. Hell, sometimes I wish more people were as nice as me. There are too many jerks in the world. But, I've also been told that I'm a pushover. Well, ok 'pushover' was my word. But I've had people agree. I know why other people like me. Amanda & Joanna made me a list of 60 things they like about me. Mind you, some of them were superficial or silly. Example: #30. Doesn't meow or bite like Ziggy. So I'm not like the cat. That's not something that's exactly endearing to all. Besides, I do bite sometimes. (hotcha!) #37. Looks good in purple and olive green. (no, not together silly) I have a green shirt that I guess looks alright on me. And yeah, my suit's purple. And I do look pretty good in it. I kinda clean up well. But I dunno if that's something that belongs on my list. I'm a good listener. That's something that I've always liked about myself. It's less fun when no one's willing to listen to you tho. (I have plenty of 'listeners' now tho) I like my sense of humour. As stupid, goofy, and childlike as it is, I like it. But, I guess I do get annoying sometimes. I tend to be really hyper. I'm a big bundle of energy. That's fun. But, again, it annoys people. I've been told more than once to "calm down".

I guess a lot of it comes down to me thinking too much about what other people think of me. But that's the way I've always been. I always wanted to fit in. I've more or less moved past that but now, when I just try to be me, I constantly get critisized for it. Then I feel like I dress like a slob and have shitty hair. (those are just a couple of examples)

It's not like I hate myself. I'd never go that far. But there seems to be very little about myself that I really, genuinely like. At least without being able to put a negative spin on it.

I am Jeff's crippling negativity.
I am Jeff's cuddles. (I'm a good cuddle partner, so I've been told)
I am Jeff's ever-listening ear.
I am Jeff's shoulder, ready to be cried on.
I am Jeff's selflessness.
I am Jeff's self doubt.
I am Jeff's inability to say 'no'.
I am Jeff's wicked rockstar pose.
I am Jeff's poor video game playage.
I am Jeff's steadily broken, yet always mended heart.
I am Jeff's maturity, still feeling far too young for my years.
I am Jeff's horrible sense of direction.
I am, once again, Jeff's heart, which falls far too easily.
I am Jeff's genuine smile, whom you don't get to see very often.
I am Jeff's loneliness.

See, this was a mixture of things I like and dislike about myself. Why? Because it's all a part of me. I could mention all the good. (which was the point of this after all) But that doesn't take away all the bad. See, the things I like most about myself, aren't about myself. They're the feelings I have for other people. The feeling I have when I'm talking to Andrea online. Maybe helping her with a problem, letting her rant about something that pissed her off, or just being my usual "goofball" self. The feeling I get when I cuddle with Joanna. Knowing that I have someone close to me who cares about me. (even if it's not "in that way") The feeling I have when Amanda and me have one of our sippin' tea kinda talks. The feeling I get when I crack a joke that makes everyone else laugh. (instead of just look at me all weird) The feeling I get just hanging out with the guys. (Something that doesn't happen too often anymore) These are the things that I like.

The thing that I like most about me, is my ability to make others happy.

I would be nothing if it weren't for my friends. The people who care about me, love me, and who would do most anything for me. And, when I can make them smile, whether it be with a joke, a cuddle, or just by listening, I would do it in a heartbeat. Does that make me "too nice"? Maybe, but I don't care. Seeing my friends happy, makes me happy.

Peace

I am a lion. rowr. *makes timid clawing motin with hand*

Why are you a lion Jeff? I'm glad you asked. Quite simply, it's because I am a coward. At least when it comes to telling women how I feel. Now, before you turn around running out the door, this isn't gonna be some big fat depressing entry. Quite the contrary, I'm rather chipper. I'm just making an observation. See, when I like a girl, I never wind up telling her how I feel unless I know she feels the same way. Once or twice in high school I actually told a girl or two how I felt, but the results never went in my favour. So, I always take the coward way out and zip my lips on how I feel. Funny thing is, I'll blab on to all my friends about said girl, ask for advice etc. but I don't always take it, cause my friends are usually like "TELL HER ALREADY!" It's a vicious cycle that I consistantly go thru. The real problem would come in the form of, if the girl liked me as well, but was also a coward. Then we'd both wind up liking each other, and never say anything. Ugh, I can be so immature in some respects.

So yeah, I suppose I just wanted to ramble on about how cowardly I can be. It's one of the many things I need to work on. *rummages around for To-Do list. Adds 'Be less coward-like'*

So that's all for now Jeffinists.

I've come to a slight realization. I don't post on here very often. "The reason?" You might ask. Well it's simply because I've begun using this blog more as a form of entertainment for all of you, my loyal readers. All my Jeffinists. But, Due to me leading a rather dull life, I don't have too many overly entertaining things to write about. I suppose this all started with my Romance, The Other White Meat post. I got quite a few compliments for that one. So, after that I wanted to keep things entertaining for you. But, I sort of failed last week, simply because I was writing for the sake of writing. But that's a little different this week. I want to get back into the proverbial swing of things. So, check back often, cause I'm hoping to post once a week.......mind you, that's what I said when I first started this thing.

On the sad news front, my Aunt Solange died last Wednesday. The funeral was today. I wasn't overly close due to her and my Uncle Glen (my Mom's brother) living so far away from Pembroke. It wasn't until I moved to Windsor that I was closer to them, but I'm still a good hours drive away. I still wish I would have visited more over the last year. But, hindsight's 20/20. It's so surreal seeing the body in the casket. I mean, you're used to seeing a person who is asleep, but, this person is dead. It's a bit of a harsh reality. She wasn't too old either, really. She had just turned 49 5 days before she died. It makes me value life more. Not so much myself but people around me. I just want to scold any friends who smoke. (it was a tumor on her lung that killed her. I attribute it to her smoking) And I want to just tell everyone I love, that I love them. Because I just don't know when the last time I will see or talk to them. But, on to more cheerful topics.

After the funeral (yeah, this is happier already.......*sigh*) I came home and hopped onto the computer, mostly because I have no life to speak of, so I sit on the internet. That, and after a funeral, even tho emotionally I was ok, I didn't really feel like doing anything. So, I talked to my friend Drea. We talked for six hours. 1/4 of the day! I was somewhat surprised, just that the time went by so quickly. It didn't surprise me that we talked for six hours tho. Since first meeting and chatting on MSN, we clicked instantly. With all due respect to ALL of my friends, very few of them share a connection with me the way she does. And I can't think of a better way to waste a 1/4 of the day. Heh.

Oh, and as a little P.S. to this.........COMMENT!!! Rarely does anyone comment on my postses. Am I that boring? Gad!